Oral sex. The term itself is enough to make some women cringe and run for the hills. And it’s also enough to get a guy all fired up and ready to go.
What is it about oral sex that makes it such a touchy topic? Could it be that, even to this day, there are still some states in America where certain sexual acts, including oral sex, are illegal even for married couples? With all the effort to control homosexuality over the years, legislature missed one very important element when they passed those laws…..God created sex, including oral sex, to be enjoyed within the bounds of marriage between a husband and a wife. And that, my friends, is the context that I will be using as we dive into this delicate topic.
Wikipedia describes oral sex as “a sexual activity in which the genitals of one partner are stimulated by the mouth of the other”; fellatio or cunnilingus.
Surely you have heard the term “blow job” or “going down on”. These and other slang terms, that refer to oral sex, have evolved over the years along with the fact that more and more young adults are participating in oral sex as an alternative to sexual intercourse.
For example, the high school girl who doesn’t want to get pregnant so she keeps her boyfriend happy with an occasional blow job. We know that she craves intimacy but outside of marriage this false sense of connection will wane. When the breakup occurs, she will be left feeling used and empty, hating herself for what she did to prolong a relationship she never should have been in. Years down the line she will marry and she will bring the baggage of her previous sexual experiences with her. As she makes a new home with her spouse she will be reminded of how she was physically used, emotionally abused and spiritually compromised to believe she needed to do those things to be loved. She will then have trouble in her marriage. She will be scared and self conscious about sex as well as angry to have to perform once again. She will question her husband’s love for her as sex becomes a chore instead of an act of love and intimacy.
I see this every day as a part time substitute teacher. These young kids have no idea the compromise they are making to their very souls every time they participate in oral sex.
Our physical bodies were literally made for our spouse. The Bible is clear that when we marry we become one flesh and our bodies are not our own. 1 Corinthians 7:4. Of course, this does not mean that we can do what we want to our spouse. As I have mentioned before, the key is communication. As long as both parties agree and are willing to participate in some sexual activity then I believe it is permissible in marriage, provided it does not contradict the Bible and does not include third parties (in media or in person).
Some people believe oral sex to be a sexual sin. I believe that to be a lie from the pit of hell. Think about it, if kissing on the lips is ok then why not genitalia? What about kissing the breasts or any other part of the body?
I haven’t always felt the way I do now about oral sex. In fact, I personally have had some obstacles to overcome in this area of my marriage. I will be honest with you. It was not until half way through my marriage that I really began to enjoy oral sex. Like many women, I was grossed out by it and did it as a labor of love and not desire. But somewhere along the line that changed. I changed. In my effort to love my husband and please him, I began to really want to do it. And as a result of his patience and understanding, I also began to enjoy it.
If you don’t like oral sex or you find it gross then don’t do it and never force your spouse to do something they are uncomfortable with. But….. if you enjoy pleasing your spouse orally and enjoy being pleased by your spouse orally, by all means read on!
Husbands love their wife’s oral caresses and because men are all different and come in many different shapes and sizes I’m going to give you a few general suggestions when it comes to giving oral sex:
- Most men, when receiving oral sex, want to have their whole penis covered by their spouse’s mouth. Yes, ladies, you can come up for air and by all means try not to gag and throw up. Give yourself and your husband little breaks with perhaps some light blowing and licking. But keep in mind, most men will agree that the deeper the better. If you’re unsure how far you want him to penetrate your mouth, use your thumb and forefinger to make a ring around his penis, stopping it as far as you want to go. You can keep moving it down slowly until you reach the point where it feels deep enough. If you are uncomfortable with having him that deep in your mouth, you can try just sucking on the head of his penis while using your hand to move up and down the shaft. You may need some lubricant but he might enjoy this just as much as going deep.
- Did you know that the underside of the penis is more sensitive than the top side? Feel free to spend some time in this area bringing your husband oodles of pleasure.
- Start slowly and work your way into a faster pace. If you’re not sure how fast to go, think about when you have intercourse and the usual rhythm of his thrust. If you’re still not sure, ask him! He will tell you what he likes.
- If you are a first born and a perfectionist, like me, you may be worried about whether or not you are doing it right or if you’re even good at it. In most cases, your husband will be happy to have any oral sex at all, even if it’s not perfect so don’t take it personally if he says anything like “go slower, faster, harder” etc. A good lover listens to what their spouse wants and aims to please.
- You do not have to let your husband ejaculate in your mouth if you don’t want too. Semen, in and of itself, is not unhealthy and in fact, is full of nutrients and proteins but some may consider it unsavory and if that is the case for you, pull your mouth away before he reaches orgasm. Most men understand this and will tell you when they are about to climax giving you time to pull away. But keep the stimulation going with your hand until he is fully sated.
- Men are visual and because of this, they may want to watch you while you give him your all. Don’t hesitate to turn on a low light and let him run his fingers through your hair while you give him the oral caresses he so desires.
- Nothing will excite your husband more than watching you enjoy what you’re doing to him! Taking pleasure in giving oral sex is a huge gift to the spouse receiving it.
As I mentioned in my post about orgasms, most women are aroused when the clitoris is stimulated so oral sex for a woman is very good thing since it is on the outside of the vagina and does not involve penetration. However, many women are very self conscious about receiving oral sex. It is a very vulnerable position to be in, literally and figuratively, and sometimes women find it hard to relax and enjoy because all they can think about is whether the taste, smell and looks of our privates is grossing out our husbands! Ladies, let me assure you, that even if you are the most relaxed and have the most intense orgasm ever, your husband will still probably enjoy it more than you. God just made them that way. Husbands are extremely sensitive to the taste, smell and look of their wife. They respond to those things with an instinct that can only be explained by the fact that we were created by a God who knew what he was doing.
With that said, here are a few general suggestions when it comes to giving a woman oral sex. And…..If you are a woman reading this, either have your husband read it, read it too him or relay the information I am about to share:
- It’s usually a good idea to spend some time kissing and touching before giving a woman oral sex. Take your time to explore her upper thighs and the area around her vagina first, to help her get aroused.
- The clitoris, the most sensitive part of the vagina, has more than 8,000 nerve endings. The whole pelvic area has 15,000 nerve endings, meaning it is very sensitive. By gently parting the outer lips of the vagina, you will find the vaginal opening, and the hooded clitoris just above it.
- Start off softly, using a relaxed tongue to make slow movements and work up to faster movements with a firmer, pointed tongue. The key is gentleness because as women become aroused, the whole area becomes sensitive. Licking and pulling with your lips is ideal.
- Use your fingers at the same time. Having the vagina penetrated with one or two fingers while stimulating the clitoris will indeed send her over the edge with pleasure.
- Women are not as visual as men. They will not necessarily have the need to watch what you’re doing. You can follow her verbal cues though to determine if what you’re doing is pleasing her. If she is moaning in ecstasy then you can assume you are on target. Ask her to tell you if you are off target and where you need to be to make her feel good.
- Some women love to have their breasts caressed while receiving oral sex. This often adds to the intensity of the climax. Work with your spouse to have at least one hand free to either fondle a breast and/or lightly pinch a nipple for some added pleasure.
So, this has been one of my more intimate posts and you might be feeling extremely uncomfortable and might possibly be thinking about some of the things that go on in your marital bed. I want married couples to know that things of this nature (oral sex) are real, the struggle is real, marriage is real, sex is real. And it can be difficult. And it can be amazing. Communication can be challenging and being vulnerable in the bedroom can leave us insecure and unsure of ourselves. I hope that with this post, I have at least, educated you a little, perhaps encouraged you a little and above all, given you some ideas of how awesome it can be to love our spouses in a way that God intended. I leave you with this……..
“Let my lover cone into his garden and taste its choice fruits” Song of Solomon 2.3
“My lover has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies. I am my lover’s and my lover is mine; he browses among the lilies.” Song of Solomon 6:2-3
“I would give you spiced wine to drink, the nectar of my pomegranates.” Song of Solomon 8:2
Disclaimer: My series on Sex and Intimacy in Marriage is written for the married couple only. While some engaged couples may appreciate the concepts and feel the need to prepare for marriage with some of the advice given here, everything written applies to a man and woman bonded in holy matrimony. There will be some topics that are of a sensitive nature and I suggest that this content is not appropriate for anyone under the age of 18. Please keep this in mind when you are considering the sharing buttons below this post.