Somewhere around the year 2000, I think we got our first cell phone. I honestly can’t remember much of anything before the iPhone, but we did have some sort of cellular device around then.
As technology progressed and the iPod evolved into the iPhone, mobile images have become something that everyone has access too. And now, with apps that allow us to snap, gram and tweet our latest photos, there is no escaping communication through images and videos.
So, my question is this. Is it ok or appropriate or morally acceptable for me to send naked or provocative selfies to my husband? He is gone a lot for business travel and our time together is limited when he is home, so why shouldn’t I send a quick reminder of what’s waiting for him upon his return?
What do you think? Is that weird? Is it wrong? Obviously you won’t find anything about sexting in the Bible if you are looking for some sort of religious answer so what is the answer?
Let’s start with what sexting is exactly….
According to the Urban Dictionary, sexting is a verb: the act of text messaging someone in the hopes of having a sexual encounter with them later; initially casual, transitioning into highly suggestive and even sexually explicit.
According to Wikipedia, sexting is: sending and receiving sexually explicit messages, primarily between mobile phones.
And Merriam Webster says sexting is: the sending of sexually explicit messages or images by cell phone.
I think it’s clear that sexting is all about using digital technology to send sexual messages, either with images or words, to someone else. How is that any different than perhaps a love letter? Other than the fact that the message is in digital format and not on paper.
When we think of sexting we think of the problem it has created for teenagers. I know I do. “Fundamentally, teenage sexting is a product of sexual curiosity, poor judgment, and a modern trend in which teenagers utilize electronic file sharing as their primary method of communication.” I keep a tight hold of my kids’ cellular devices and reserve the right to check their cell phones and images at any time.
But when it comes to a married couple, is this method of communication a good idea?
I have come up with 4 things to consider before you send your spouse a racy or provocative text or email:
- Would my spouse like it? Remember in my last post about all the other people in our bed? I said, The path to really good sex with your spouse is understanding how your spouse wants to be loved not how you want to love your spouse. So if your spouse doesn’t want sexual pictures sent to them, then don’t. Have a conversation about it and decide if it’s something your spouse would enjoy in the first place.
- Where do the images go? This question is really tricky and one to definitely consider. Is your husband going to keep the photo of you in your new sexy negligee on his phone? Probably not a good idea because someone else may end up seeing it. Any photo or sexual words should be immediately erased from each spouse’s electronic device. Because sex is meant to be shared between husband and wife, not friends or the rest of the family. **Important: Some electronic devices store deleted images and messages. It is important to permanently erase those too. Also, if you use the cloud to share, you might not want to partake in sexting at all because whoever is sharing your cloud may have access to all your images even if you delete them on your end.
- Is sexting a form of pornography? This is a really good question and I have a feeling that many will have a different opinion on it. The struggle with pornography is real and I have some definite opinions on the topic that I will discuss in a later post. But the reality is, addiction to porn is an epidemic in America and contrary to popular belief, it does not make a marriage better. With that said, if you think your spouse struggles with pornography, you might not want to send a naked picture of yourself to them……… “I do not think you defeat porn by becoming porn. The problem with porn is not ONLY that you’re looking at someone other than your spouse; the problem with porn is that it makes sex into something which is entirely about the physical and not about a relationship.” Sheila Wray Gregoire goes on to say that if porn is not an issue in your marriage and neither spouse intends to store the images then there really is nothing wrong with it.
- What are your true motives? After all is said and done and you know your spouse can be trusted to delete photos or texts, does not have a problem with pornography, and you know your spouse likes receiving provocative messages from you, ask yourself this…..”why am I doing this?” Is it because you’re worried that if he is not reminded of your body he will find someone else? Are you selfishly wanting to be “seen”? Are you concerned he might turn to porn if he is gone for a long time? These are legitimate things to consider when thinking about your motives behind sexting. Anything other than the fact that you love your spouse and you want to spice up your marriage by sending a few messages that remind them of your love for them should probably be avoided.
So, it’s my cracked conclusion that sexting is ok if you’re married to the person you are sexting, if porn is not an issue and both the husband and the wife are comfortable with sending and/or receiving these types of messages. Again, it is a personal preference for each couple that can be fun but, as with anything in marriage, communication is the path to awareness regarding what your spouse enjoys and what your spouse is not comfortable with when it comes to sex.
What do you think? Have you ever sent racy pictures to your spouse? Would you ever consider it? Do you think it’s wrong or ok within the bounds of marriage? Leave a comment with your thoughts and opinions and feel free to share this with a friend that you think might be interested in this topic.
Disclaimer: My series on Sex and Intimacy in Marriage is written for the married couple. While some engaged couples may appreciate the concepts and feel the need to prepare for marriage with some of the advice given here, everything written applies to a man and woman bonded in holy matrimony. There will be some topics that are of a sensitive nature and I suggest that this content is not appropriate for anyone under the age of 18. Please keep this in mind when you are considering the sharing buttons below this post.